First off: Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers!
With only 4 more weekends to this year we are officially entering my "month off" from doing anything really constructive beyond reflecting on what happened this year, making merry, spreading happiness, and inviting in new direction for the coming year.
I get a sneaky suspicion I'm going to be working away though thanks to major inspiration that's been happening lately and you'll understand why by the end of this.
I actually started my reflections really early this year. Back in October, just after Canadian Thanksgiving, I was feeling pretty adrift and didn't know what to do with myself. October (10th to be precise) brought huge change into my life that I had surrendered completely to, but in the wake of it's devastation (more on that later) I didn't really know up from down and feeling really directionless, I pulled out my journal year and started looking for the goals I set at the beginning of the year... except there were none.
I'd forgotten that beyond writing my final exam and graduating from school I didn't set any goals for this year. I wanted to be completely focused on just one thing at that point and I was nearing the end of my allotted time to complete the program putting some fire under my butt. I also knew that this graduation was going to be a portal for me, that on the other side I would be free to really do what I wanted, that I would be able to focus all my time and efforts then, so I didn't set any goals.
I was right. Graduation was a portal, one that I could not have comprehended or anticipated in advance. I'm only really grasping it right now as I write. That graduation was a sort of coming of age for me. I just grew up and got released into the world to work, for the first time, at what I wanted to do. To do not what was expected of me, but what my heart and intuition guided me to do.
When I got out on the other side I did truly feel a freedom and something changed internally that made me throw all my previous thoughts about what I was going to be doing out the window. I gave myself some time off to savour my accomplishment and to just enjoy the feeling of freedom. To enjoy whatever inspiration came my way. Plus it was that time in the garden where you've got serious work to do daily.
I floated into the summer not really thinking about goals per se, but I certainly had some determination to get things sorted out re: my business but instead of trying to muscle my way through it as I normally did, I chose a gentler path. I chilled out and just let it happen as things do when I'm hanging out lots in my garden. I began receiving all kinds of inspiration and ideas. I had new ideas about my business and what direction I was going into. I revisited the original inspiration behind all the schooling I've been doing and what that really meant. It was good times.
I will tell you, that once you give yourself permission to just chill out and not bust arse on anything in particular, it is amazing the ideas you will get!
I did end up spending some time trying to figure things out and (surprise!) nothing felt 100% right. I never could seem to finish anything I started which, as it happens, has been a big theme in my life that I've tried to get to the bottom of over the last couple of years to no avail.
Also this summer I was doing a lot of work with a mentor of mine that included learning how to really get connected with my soul and how to do it consistently. Did I ever jump on that one! I also learned a really wonderful process of manifesting based on your souls desires, totally new and exciting territory for me.
Now I'm not going to tell you I manifested all kinds of material things. I'm not going to tell you I manifested the usual things that people want. If any of you follow coaches and healing guides you'll know that's what they are usually talking about and quite frankly, I get the feeling like they are just bragging. It’s kinda irritating to me. Maybe it's just the whole idea that someone other than me got what they wanted and there is a little part of me who thinks it is unfair. Who knows...
Up until this exact moment I didn't really think that I had manifested any of my desires from the summer but suddenly I no longer believe that. I have manifested some things, like the end of my back and hip pain (for real), greater structural stability in my hip and glute... I'm going to have to pull up my writing and see what else has happened while I wasn't looking... But this makes sense to me because I have just gone through an extremely intense period of (inadvertently) working one of the most important steps in manifesting: making space.
Making space. I laugh at it now because it is so brilliant. I see it was the next big thing I needed to learn about in order to become the coach I dream of becoming. And true to form, I had to put myself through it before I could share it with the world, and really come into my own. It has been the means of me healing deeply and profoundly, and learning so much about myself and what I'm here to do.
It began with my desire to manifest better physical health. The obvious place to "make space" and create more harmony that would support my health goals was the kitchen. So I cleared out and reorganized my kitchen. But in the end that didn't feel like that was it. Something wasn't done. I had this ping to go clear up the basement so I could reclaim my dedicated workout space. What ended up happening was me hard core crying like I haven't cried... ever? I sat and just balled for an hour. I had so much grief and anger inside of me. There was guilt and blame towards myself... and this was just related to some bathroom renos and the unfortunate early departure of a beloved cat.
I remember sitting there in a sort of eye of the storm moment marveling at all this emotion I had welling up. And I was totally cool just giving myself permission to ball, really loudly and violently as much as I needed. I believe completely, that our emotions are a beautiful and just part of us, stuffing them down and not letting them out is a form of self rejection. It is a violation of self. So sitting there and just allowing myself to come apart at my seams was a profound moment of acceptance. A true and beautiful moment of indulgence.
Afterwards I felt so light and amazing. And realizing that I absolutely had more anger stored up I made a decision to really sit down and purge it, which I did. That was actually when my hip first started feeling WAY better. Certainly not 100% but I took note at how much I felt better physically. After that purge I made a bit of a commitment to myself, to turn inwards and see what else I was holding on to. What ended up happening was a slow and steady clearing out of psychic debris.
I started doing a lot of journaling to release emotions I had been hiding. I started to face where I felt out of integrity with being a health coach and where I was ashamed or hiding from reality in other areas. I looked at where I was unhappy in my relationships, especially my relationship with myself. I started asking myself what I needed to do in order to resolve whatever internal turmoil was facing me at any given time. I would just sit, ask a question and wait for the response. I also started looking at who I really wanted to be in the world, what my next level was and asking what it was I needed to do to become that next evolution. One day in August I wrote: Coming undone yet coalescing, this is the energy of my life.
I had so much internal chaos during this time and I know I made some really deep and heartfelt pleas for direction and understanding and an end to all of the drama. I acknowledged stuff that had been running my life for YEARS, stuff that I really wanted to be done with. I wanted so desperately to be done with it. I felt like I was being turned inside out over and over again. Each time I righted myself I felt so amazing, the understandings I came to about myself were priceless and the synchronicities confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing.
All I have to say is: Be careful what you ask for... you might just get it and not in the way you imagined.
HAHA! All kidding aside, I manifested the end of some real internal frustration and drama. The end of stuff that was consuming my mind and making me go crazy. Surely you know what I'm talking about, that stuff that is always in the back of your mind. The stuff that you think about every. single. day. The stuff that always gets in the way, it's always tripping you up, it's always bringing you down somehow. The stuff that you are afraid is going to rule your life, till the day you die. I really wanted to be done with it and that is what I asked for, and I got it.
On October 10th of this year, the understanding came about that I had been sexually abused as a child and I had been suppressing it for my entire life.
It's hard to know what to say about it at this moment. I want to call it the single most important thing that has happened to me, the single most important thing that happened this year and yet it's not, because so many amazing and important things happened this year. Most of which were in preparation for that moment.
What I can say for certain is that it catalyzed me making a commitment to myself, on a level I had never gone to before, to do what I needed to do to move past it. It has helped me to understand myself at such a deep and fundamental level and to release so much pain, grief, fear, shame etc. most of which is completely unrelated.
In the weeks since, right up to today I continue to turn inwards and face my demons. To continue to let go and heal and make space.
What happens when you make space on a grand scale like this? Grand scale inspiration and understanding! Along with way better health, mass removal of anxiety, out of control, self sabotaging, behaviours and more. I marvel at my ability to sit in meditation like it's nothing now where before it was actually really hard to sit still. It's just amazing what happens when we turn and face what we are running or hiding from.
The grand scale inspiration is that I feel like I've finally got it, what I'm here to do. I had a sense all year but I didn't quite get it 100% till some recent aha's that further refined it. It has to do with helping women work on their inner eco system. To resolve the mental architecture and emotional debris that keeps them stuck and rejecting themselves, the structures that hold them back from getting what they want and being able to direct their life. To help them upgrade their physical foundation for a better quality of life.
I can't tell you how strongly I believe now that health is an inside job. Most of us assume it's just a physical thing but it is so much more. In fact I just learned this week that there are medical professionals that suggest, with studies to back it up, that 85% of physical ailments have an emotional component attached. We've just forgotten that there is more to us than just our bodies. That our mental landscape and emotional health are part of us and need to be tended to as well.
It is clear to me that 2015 was the year for me to really learn about emotional and psychic healing and I learn best through personal experience. Everything that I had previously been searching for a physical cause/problem/fix for was resolved through releasing emotional debris, which let me see and resolve the mental structures keeping me stuck.
I find it amusing since I began the year reading a book that profiled the effects of mental and emotional stress on the body, and it's hand in creating conditions like mental disorders, autoimmune diseases and cancers. I understand addiction in a whole new way now too.
So I guess overall I just really got to know myself this year and I got to set my heart and soul free. I mean, that one event from my past was certainly the most notable as far as affecting my life's trajectory, but just one of many moments in time that I have visited and released. My heart is more at peace that I can ever remember and while I still have more internal junk to deal with (like some lingering fear of talking to people!?) I have so much excitement for the future because I feel like I found the golden ticket this year. And for that, I am oh so truly thankful.
When you take time to review your year, what are you most grateful for? What were the most notable moments for you? What miracles occurred, large or small? How have you progressed? Please share below!